▷ 🥇 How to deal when your parents don’t like your fiancé (e)

Photo: Alisa Sue Photography

Your parents may not like your nose ring or lower back tattoo, which you can deal with, but their disapproval of the person you intend to spend the rest of your life with? It’s kind of a scratch that really is a big problem. It’s natural to want your parents’ approval, especially when it comes to bigger, more important, and permanent things in life, like where you choose to live and who you choose to live with. Plus, they’ll have plenty of face-to-face time with their fiancé (e) through the decades and they’ll have to share in celebrating life’s major milestones with their new spouse and future in-laws, too.

Find out the root of your disapproval.

Maybe it’s something that can be fixed or a complete misunderstanding, for example thinking that your fiancé (e) was cheating or seeing other people when that was never the case. “If it comes down to them not really knowing your fiancé (e) and being judged for lack of information, let them know that it is important to you that they strive to get to know them a little better,” suggests psychologist Nikki Martinez, Psy.D ., LCPC. “See if this deeper level of understanding changes your mind.”

Talk to your parents privately about the problem.

This is not the type of problem that can be easily hidden under the rug. It is important that you make an effort to talk to your parents about the situation and have a conversation about their disdain for this special person in your life. “This is often a new step in the relationship between parents and adult children, and if they can attribute this positive dynamic to the fact that you have this particular fiancé, they will feel better about that person,” says April Masini, an expert on New York-based relationships and etiquette and author. Ask them how they feel and listen carefully, but be careful not to point fingers, as this can establish your own relationship with them.

Talk to your fiancé (e) privately about the problem.

Unless you are fairly certain that your parents’ disapproval of your fiancé (e) is based on superficial or incorrect reasoning, feel free to open the discussion with your executive officer. It is smart, however, to be gentle in your approach, as your fiancé will most likely take your disaffection for him or her personally.

Let your parents know about your fiance’s efforts to change.

After speaking gently with your fiancé, give your parents a hint. Of course, you can take a wait-and-see approach that he or she has made to kiss your rentals, but the quickest route is to give them a heads up. “This will help validate your case,” says Martinez. “Tell them the steps he or she has taken and give them solid examples to make an objective, unemotional argument to your parents.”

Clear up misunderstandings.

When you talk to your parents in a positive way, both of you may come to realize that their disapproval may be the fault of mere misunderstandings. “Lack of communication is complicated by the emotions generated by the adult parent-child relationship, so look for areas where there is conflicting information,” says Masini. “But getting to the bottom of these misunderstandings requires listening, creative thinking, and the ability to articulate without blame, so focus on that trifecta.

Let them know how important a relationship with your fiancé (e) is to you.

If your problem with your fiancé is just a general feeling of aversion that they can’t seem to put a finger on it, tell them how important it is to you that you have their blessing. Also, let them know how much happier their life will be if they recover. “Explain what you see in your fiancé (e), perhaps on their side that most people, including them, never get to see,” says Martinez. “Let them know what made you fall in love with this person in the first place.”

Integrate your fiancé (e) even more into your family life.

“Sometimes parents don’t like someone because they are new or different,” says Masini. Giving you more opportunities to interact and get to know your fiancé can go a long way toward improving your relationship with him or her. They may not come, and there is a chance they might like you even less, but giving them more time with their partner will instill familiarity with each other. “Not everyone is open and warm and some parents need more to acclimate and feel more comfortable with someone.”

Avoid any unnecessary drama.

This is certainly an emotional issue, but try not to break out, have a tantrum, or speak ill of your parents. “Avoid turning polarizing positions into sides and instead focus on figuring out how to help ease your worries,” says Kathy McMahon, Psy.D., clinical psychologist and president of Couples Therapy Inc. respect they deserve, even in these difficult times and recognize that intercultural marriage can be difficult. ” And, keep in mind that a happy marriage tends to soften all but the most rigid parents.